The true purpose of any healthy relationship is to become more of Who You Really Are. Through providing a reflection of different aspects of your Self, your mate serves to facilitate your process of developing yourself to a greater degree. Sometimes, your coming together serves as a reminder of Who You Are – sometimes it becomes your Wake Up Call!

In all cases, you strive to complete yourself through your being dynamically and romantically involved with another. Essentially, you are being provided with the opportunity to “find your Self” as you grow in love with your partner.

Why then are so many women doing the opposite, and rather than becoming, they’re actually losing themselves in their unions with men? Why would any woman feel that her total self-denial would lead to her greatest happiness?

What is the seed that gets planted in a woman’s mind that allows her to go down this dead-end path? What takes place in a woman’s psyche that informs her of this as a viable choice? Is this what women really want? Is it even what men really want?

I believe the origin of this belief system is in our conditioning. We learn early on, through our parents, our peers, our religions, and society at large, that “Woman is here to serve man.” Sometimes, this message appears fully in its subservient splendor. Sometimes, it’s subtle and appears to be just about taking care of the man you love.

Either way, it becomes almost a natural tendency for women to place themselves in a role of caretaker – for their children, for their friends, and for their mate. In this manner of giving of yourself to that which you view as more important than you are, you slowly but surely begin to lose your Self.

You lose who you truly are – to the process, and to the relationship, and to the person you’re immersing yourself in. Instead of becoming part of a greater whole by merging in a healthy manner, you’re systematically negating yourself out of existence. Lost in your relationship, lost in your man, lost to yourself, lost to your essence.

You begin to live your life only for others without any gain to yourself. By gain, I mean growth and evolvement. When you are not growing, you become stagnant and stuck in a slow dying and decaying process.

It may take a while before you recognize the signs of your deterioration, but notice if there’s a moment during your day where you give yourself a time-out. Do you commit yourself to stop and think about you, independent of all others? Do you even know what this means any more?

The truth is, if you are operating in this lost mode, nobody who truly cares about you is benefiting in the long-term. They may be getting their immediate needs met, but keep this in mind – while you are lost in them, they don’t actually have YOU!

In Loving Light,
Dr. Pamela

Dr. Pamela works to help women evolve into their highest selves and attain their potential in all areas of their lives. To gain insight into your journey to your Higher Self, check out her Human Relations Center for Women.

But exactly what is this support that we all crave, and what form should it take in our relationships? Are women and men supposed to give the same kind of support to each other? Or are there differences?

What is the right kind of support? What is a healthy amount that sustains you and still enables you to be independent in the important ways?

All very good questions! And while the answers are usually clear to me, there are times when the dynamics in a particular relationship make the distinctions of what’s needed on the part of each person unclear.

So we’ll start with the general basis for determining the kind of support that is best given to support your mate in a healthy and balanced relationship. After that, it is up to each of us as women to delineate the shades of gray that are acceptable to us.

Since I believe that women set the tone for their relationship and can actually create the true foundation for its growth – that is, if they take their responsibility to do so seriously – the most important support that women can provide for men is spiritual and emotional.

Spiritual support is demonstrated through your own connection to the Universe in whatever form works best for you. The idea is that you develop your inner strength through your Soul Self which then manifests through your way of being in the relationship. Your faith is in your Higher Power, your God, your Goddess, your Highest Truth, the Universe, and by showing this in a consistent manner to your partner, you are helping him to develop that trust in the Universe as well through following your leadership.

The second means of support for women to provide is emotional support. Now this doesn’t mean you become the mother nurturing your little boy. Heavens NO! No equality ever going to come out of that set-up! Rather once again you become the role model for Emotional Independence, demonstrating that while you are there to provide him with love, compassion, and understanding, you are not encouraging dependency.

Of course, this is your challenge as women to develop this state of Emotional Independence in your selves. It is a balance of sharing yourself but yet still relying on yourself to manifest stability. The more you have released that which no longer serves you emotionally, the closer you become to attaining your Emotional Independence. It is necessary for you to go this way if there’s to be any hope of your man being able to go this way as well.

And I can assure you, without this state of Emotional Independence, you will not have a healthy interdependent union with your man!

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

Dr. Pamela works to help women evolve into their highest selves and attain their potential in all areas of their lives. To gain insight into your journey to your Higher Self, check out her Human Relations Center for Women.

As a therapist, I am privy to the yearnings and longings and pleas of all women. A universal theme seems to pervade the unhealthy dynamics of all concerned. I can’t tell you the countless times I’ve heard women describe the most disturbing and distorted behaviors displayed between them and their mate.

Now while it’s not my role to actually tell each client what they should do, it is my place to point out to them all the areas that are out of alignment and help guide them to a graceful resolution.

The most common phrase that I’ve heard women utter in order to condone their behavior – in fact, it is so common that I’m sure all of you have either spoken it or heard others blurt it out – is, “Because I love him!” It seems to be the pat response to a myriad of dysfunctional scenarios, as if that alone is all anyone would need to say to explain why the particular pattern is allowed to continue.

Well, while Love is certainly a force on Planet Earth, if it’s not residing somewhere deep within you, it’s not coming from you and you’re not coming from Love. So when women reactively jump to their own conclusion in order to understand their position with their guy, I say, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”

You can’t be loving him if you are not loving yourself. You can’t be loving him if what you are allowing is detrimental to the very fabric of your being. You can’t be loving him if you’ve given all your power to your guy and you no longer have a self to speak of.

In short, if you are not creating and growing a healthy relationship in which you get to nurture and express your essential nature, you are not embracing yourself with the most powerful universal force on the planet. If that is the case, you can’t be giving away something that you have not even attained or acquired for yourself.

I know that most of you have heard that you have to love yourself first, and probably wondered what that really means. After all, you feel that you experience actual feelings of love for your partner. Why isn’t that enough?

We are not here to sacrifice ourselves in order to love another. We are here to fully “be in love” with ourselves and then emanate and share that love with others. If you are not expressing love for yourself in your expression of love for another, it is not authentic love. Rather, it is the love of storybook romances where you get to lose yourself in him.

I understand that there’s an element of truth there for many of you, but if you lose yourself, then you are not actually sharing your Self with your guy. You are denying your Soul Self and your essence. And I ask, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” when you no longer count!

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

Dr. Pamela works to help women evolve into their highest selves and attain their potential in all areas of their lives. To gain insight into your journey to your Higher Self, check out her Human Relations Center for Women.

Sure you do! In fact, we all do! The problem comes in when you try to impose your expectations – great and otherwise – on someone else. Your boyfriend, your partner, or your husband, for instance. Here’s where you begin wading in murky waters.

While you can share your hopes, dreams, and desires with another, you can’t force them into obedient compliance. Okay, well you can if you’re running the military program in your relationship!

But any use of forceful persuasion becomes controlling. And once you’re exerting control over your mate, you’re no longer allowing him to be free in making choices that are in alignment with his truth and support his growth.

You may think you don’t really care about this, but I can assure you that if you are not creating a dynamic in which you’re both free to express and live according to your truth, your relationship is headed for doom and gloom.

Sure, you want your guy to do whatever you want him to do and you want to be able to expect that. If he truly is on the same page as you in this regard and the area concerned, then he most likely will meet your expectations.

But if he’s doing what you want out of a false sense of obligation and simply not to incur your wrath, then he is not being his true self, and sooner or later, things will fall apart.

You see, any time you impose your stuff on someone else and make them feel that they would honor it if they loved you, you are manipulating them, and certainly not coming from love yourself. Just as you want to become and be whole, you want your man to become and be whole as your equal partner.

Denigrating him to a position in which he cannot rise to his higher self actually keeps you both low, disconnected and incomplete. Sure you want agreement in your relationship, but not at the cost of sacrificing his or your truth.

This also sets you up for dependency and co-dependency, a state in which you need him to fulfill your needs whether they’re realistic or not, and you fall into devastation when he doesn’t. He then wants to meet your needs to prevent this dark state, and feels terribly guilty when he doesn’t.

It’s a Lose-Lose proposition. You lose sight of who you really are and fail to empower yourself with that Higher Truth. He loses his ability to think for himself and grow accordingly. You both lose the opportunity to come from love and share love with each other.

My suggestion is that you place all your expectations on yourself and encourage your guy to do the same for himself. That way, you can individually and together both “shoot for the stars!”

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

Well, at first, you may think the answer is yes. When it comes to relationships, you probably believe that attachment is even necessary. It seems to be the very glue that keeps you together.

But that’s the point! Glue – whether physical or not – shouldn’t be what’s holding you in place. Glue creates a sticky mess, often needs reapplying, and it makes you feel stuck.

On some level, you may think you desire this sense of stuckness with your partner. Perhaps you believe then that he’ll never leave you. But I also think that many of you have had the experience of keeping your man physically, while he actually leaves you mentally and emotionally.

For anyone who’s been in this situation, I can assure you that this is no fun! Not only are you stuck with each other physically, but you become internally stuck, as your growth becomes hampered and you remain stagnant – all in the name of “holding on to your man!”

Aaah – attachment – it’s not a beautiful thing after all. The reason it causes suffering is that it literally prevents you and your guy from moving forward in a natural progression of growth and evolvement – whether together or separately.

It encompasses you and takes over your life, making it more important that you stay attached to each other than that you find a healthier approach.

Attachment also leads to and creates all sorts of dependencies – including co-dependency – which pull both of you down. Attachment stems from fear and not from love. This fear takes over your ego-self to keep you repeating this unhealthy pattern. It’s as if an inner voice is saying over and over, “Don’t let go… Don’t let go… Don’t let go!”

And no matter what – you don’t let go! Although this is causing you great misery and unhappiness and is actually keeping you from the love you truly desire, still you do not let go. That’s some powerful fear overcoming you – fear of loss, fear of being alone, fear of abandonment.

Interestingly, the fear of not being loved also plays a significant role in choosing attachment as your mode of operation. But I can assure you that this very fear is exactly what you will be realizing and facing in the reality that you are creating through attachment.

So next time you’re creating a relationship, or even if you’re already in one, keep this in mind when you make your choices. Instead of choosing attachment for your sense of security, opt for connection.

Connection allows your soul to do the work, while your ego lets go. Connection says I trust what the Universe is creating for me that serves me in terms of my growth. Connection implies that I love myself enough to not let attachment rule my life!

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

Dr. Pamela works to help women evolve into their highest selves and attain their potential in all areas of their lives. To gain insight into your journey to your Higher Self, check out her Human Relations Center for Women.

I don’t know any women, personally or professionally, including myself, that can’t answer in the affirmative to these questions. In other words, we all have felt underrated, devalued, and disrespected at times.

But why is this so common? Do we really want to feel bad as a result of the words or actions of someone else? Not likely – unless you’re just masochistic and you’re seeking ill treatment to justify how bad you feel about yourself.

Well, although this may be the case on those rare occasions when we’re feeling “down and dirty,” it most often isn’t. So what is the reason that someone you care about or like or even love can come at you from “out of the blue” with a critical or destructive comment?

And what’s more, why do we then have to feel like that single remark replaced the sun with dark clouds and ruined our day? As women, we usually feel either a combo of hurtful pain along with what feels like uncontrollable rage percolating just below the surface, or even deeper than that, or we swing back and forth between these polarities.

So we either want to sit in a dark room and cry – having our own private pity party, or we want to lash out at the party who offended us, or vent about that person to anyone who will listen, and hopefully care.

When it comes right down to it, we need to release emotionally the toxic energy we just ingested through what was imposed on us by another. The emotional release is extremely important for your health and wellbeing. However, it’s only truly effective if you manage to “let go” of all that you’re holding on to which is poisoning your system.

Otherwise, you’re left with the residue which can spring up again if you don’t clear it completely. Well, first, I want to say that you must be in a safe place when you go on your releasing binge. I strongly recommend that you’re alone when you do it, because although you may feel like being vengeful, release is not about harming yourself or someone else.

It is about restoring you to a better place, where you can find some sense of wellbeing within. It is here that you will discover the truth about what you had experienced at the receiving end of another.

In this renewed state of calmness following the storm, insights will come to you. You will begin to see that although you were his target, you are not the victim. He was projecting his own feelings of lowness and inadequacy onto you. He needed someone to blame and you were there so it was all too convenient.

While this form of projection is certainly not okay, you have now come to realize that his hurtful words were all about HIM. This one’s not about you!

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

“Setting boundaries is the key to handling relationship issues, especially as your responsibilities mount. Just remember that the key to setting boundaries is being willing to explore and reset them regularly.”

What actually are boundaries? Many people think they are walls that you place between you and your partner so that you don’t ever allow him fully in. While it’s true that boundaries by design will protect you and keep you safe within your scope of security, they are not actually walls.

Walls are usually in place from early on in your life. They were probably built after you discovered the outside world – including parents, siblings, peers, teachers, authority figures – was not safe. In fact, most of us have been in rather precarious situations throughout our young lives which created much insecurity and instability.

The natural tendency then becomes one in which you seek to protect yourself from any further horrors and devastation. Because most of us at an early age don’t have the tools to create secure boundaries that would prevent further victimization, we instinctively build great walls, solidly constructed, to do the job.

The problem with walls, however, is that as efficient as they are in keeping others out, they’re equally adept at keeping you in. Now for a while, this certainly seems to be the ideal solution. It provides us with a much needed and valuable time-out from the world so we can rest and heal from our wounds.

The only thing is we don’t actually heal when enclosed in our wall. The wall serves to justify our victim mentality by providing a constant reminder that we are only safe as long as we keep it in place. Sometimes as the years pass, we build it even higher and stronger creating an even better barricade.

So what’s a better solution now that you’re an adult striving to have a loving relationship?

Well, if you could start taking one brick at a time out of your wall and begin peeking through to the outside, you might begin to realize that what you feared the most is no longer out there waiting for you.

Naturally this should be done slowly and probably with the help of a professional, but tear down that wall, or dissolve that iceberg you must, if you ever expect to have a healthy thriving relationship with someone.

And what goes in place of your wall… boundaries, naturally! Boundaries, created out of love for yourself, are somewhat more permeable than walls, which were formed out of fear. Boundaries can be set and put in place based on what you feel in the present is necessary to draw the line on.

In other words, you get to decide as your life moves forward, what boundaries are important for you to maintain and sustain, and which ones can be moved or changed or tweaked. You choose based on your current beliefs, but the beauty of boundaries is that while they provide protection, you are no longer a prisoner within your own walls!

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

While this certainly sounds like a plan and even seems to be the course of action most women take, I can assure you that this approach will leave you feeling as empty and unfulfilled as when you began. Oh sure, you might experience some temporary relief, perhaps a brief respite from the pain of being alone and left to your own resources.

But very soon after this state of highness, you will come to realize that it’s not a tangible reality within your own beingness. Think of it like taking a drug. Sure you first experience a blissful high, but then what happens? You come down, or perhaps even crash if it was an extreme state of highness that you artificially induced.

Well, trying to fill your void with anything external has the same effect and consequence. It feels great for a while and then you find yourself feeling down and low and wanting or needing more of whatever the stimulus was for you. You begin to believe that it’s the only solution to your wellbeing.

Anyone who has experienced these cycles of rising and falling and feeling out of control of either polarity knows what I’m talking about. While it’s nice to attain something that makes you feel good or even much better, unless you can connect the dots within yourself, you will not be able to hold onto this fleeting state of euphoria.

But don’t worry. You can still use your external situations, relationships, and opportunities as a vehicle to help you connect within. After all, everything you attract into your life is a reflection of an aspect of you. It may be something that exists in potential within yourself, or it may be an issue that troubles you.

The point is, if you brought it into your life, it’s there to serve as a roadmap to some point of internal destination. So I remind you again that that which you seek the most externally is that which you feel you are missing or lacking internally.

So if it is a loving relationship you most desire, then it is because you need to learn how to love your Self. Often, when we name what it is we want from a partner, we can become clearer about what it is we most need to provide for our Selves.

It doesn’t mean that you can’t also receive this love from your guy, but true fulfillment will only be felt once you also experience real love within for your Self. Otherwise, you end up in a state of dependency – needing your drug constantly to create the state of Love for you.

Until you are able to produce this internal state of Love for your Self with or without a man, I’m afraid you’ll remain a “junkie of love” – always chasing your next high, and never feeling you have enough!

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

The second key to capturing a healthy relationship is Being True to Your Self. This means that you get in touch with your genuine feelings and you don’t deny them. You operate in alignment with your True Self – not the conditioned person you may appear to be, but the authentic You.

Of course, in order to do this, you must do some soul-searching, and some shedding of layers that no longer serve you or your Higher Truth. Instead of coming from a place where your beliefs were honed into you, find your essence and your authentic beliefs.

The more you pursue and attain this state of being true to your Self, the clearer you will be when choosing a mate. Or if you are already part of a couple, you will begin to realize what is right for you and what goes against Who You Are.

The third key is being Honest about Who You Are. This means that you present yourself as genuine. The only way to pull this off is if you are coming from your True Self and behaving and expressing in alignment with that Truth.

You have nothing to gain and everything to lose if you deny who you are, or even worse, sacrifice who you are, just so you get or keep the man you think you want. Essentially, if you do this, you are living a lie. And believe me when I tell you, this lie will catch up with you one way or another.

Once it does, you will find yourself in a pile of despair, a heap of turmoil, and a whirlwind of chaos. You will be left desolate and empty within yourself and most likely alone even if you remain in your relationship.

While there are other factors that contribute to the health and welfare of a thriving relationship and a viable dynamic, these three keys are at the top of the list as they are the ones most often overlooked or denied, much to the detriment of you and your relationship.

So I wish you health, happiness, and love, but remember… you can’t have one without the other.

Here’s to growing healthy relationships and evolving into your True Self.

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela

While there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these desires, it seems to me that an important part of having these desires met is being left out. What is that blatant omission?

What’s missing is the “how” of the process that would lead to their wish fulfillment. How do I create happiness with my partner? How do I create true love? How do I attract the man of my dreams?

The answer to all these “How” questions is the basis for forming the proper foundation for a healthy relationship. There are three basic keys to growing and/or attracting and creating a healthy relationship:

1) Emotional Independence
2) Being True to Yourself
3) Being Honest About Who You Are and What You Feel and Want

The first key, Emotional Independence, is often overlooked by both sexes. Without this construct permeating your dynamic, chances are you will easily fall into an unhealthy dependency, often leading to co-dependency. In this state, you are actually pulling each other down.

Often bringing out the worst in each other and then being reinforced for it actually keeps you down and feeling low. It becomes a vicious cycle where you both feel that the other must meet your needs, or you’ll both suffer dire consequences.

Emotional Independence is where you don’t make someone else responsible for your happiness. You create it for yourself and the right partner complements you by not imposing his stuff onto you. You take charge of nurturing yourself and emanating positive loving energy. By doing so, you actually provide a role model for your guy to follow in developing his emotional independence.

You come together to share your Selves and your feelings in a healthy manner and save the emotional breakdowns for your therapist’s couch or for working through on your own. So find a clever way to verbally express what you feel. You can sort the issues out with the help of others as long as you are in touch with your own inner state.

Then you present yourself with clarity to your partner, thereby creating understanding in your dynamic. This forms a mature interdependence where each person is seen as an individual that is supportive of an evolving relationship.

Many women seem to attain this state when they’re not in a relationship, and are severely challenged once they are. But I can’t stress enough the importance of attaining and maintaining a solid foundation of Emotional Independence.

Stay tuned to upcoming articles in which I will address the other two keys to a healthy relationship.

In Loving Light,

Dr. Pamela